Customer Service

I so wish this conversation were fiction.

BANK REP:  Welcome to (oh, let’s call them…Running Around Bank).  My name is (insert). How can I be of assistance?

ME:  I’m having trouble setting up a new payee for my online bills.  The system doesn’t recognize my entry.

BANK REP:  So, you’re having trouble setting something up online?

ME:  Yes, a new payee for online bill payment.  The system isn’t taking my entry.

BANK REP:  Have you tried hitting ‘add payee’?

ME:  Yes.  That’s how I know there is a problem.

BANK REP:  So, what is it you’re trying to do?

ME:  :::sigh:::  Set.  Up.  A.  New.  Payee.

BANK REP:  So you’re trying to set up a new payee?

ME:  Yes

BANK REP:  What seems to be the problem?

ME:  I was kinda hoping you could tell me.  When I enter the required information, the online system says it doesn’t recognize the payee

BANK REP:   So you’re saying it isn’t working

ME:  Actually, it’s working fine.  I just missed your voice.

BANK REP:  I’m sorry?

ME:  I’m joking.  Just wanted to see if you’re paying attention or texting.  Yes, my entry isn’t working.


ME:  I know I’m hearing English from you. Do we need a translator?

BANK REP: You need a translator?

ME:  No, I need to set up a new payee for my online banking.  The system won’t let me.  Who should I speak with?

BANK REP:  I’m happy to help you with that sir.

ME:  Today?

BANK REP:  I don’t understand, sir.

ME:  That’s very obvious. (insert string of colorful words and phrases)